I keep thinking about ...

I keep thinking about .

Mine is in the form of a young woman only hours older
than me. She is kind, understanding, and compassionate
to me. She is the only person that knows me for who I
truly am. She came to comfort me when I was very lonely
and I needed a friend. She stayed with me. She saw my
tears and held me when I needed it. She kept me sane,
kept the good in me.

I try not to look at the future. I see myself sitting
listless on a bridge, the sun bright and the sky blue,
cigarette smoke pumping poison into my lungs, slowly
killing me in my drunken stupor. You see, that’s how
kind and gentle she is. She could not bear to see me in
a car wreck, broken bones standing stark against a
bloody heap, strewn across a parade of broken glass and
twisted steel. She prefers a more humane method,
numbing me from all sensation as she delivers me to an
eternal rest.

But I cannot go.

I have my obligations here. My reasons to stay. They
are wonderful reasons, and I want to see them drift
into joy and success. For myself I ask but a
comfortable existence. A nice small house where I can
live comfortably and see the blue sky and the mountains
in their silent vigil of time. There I will write my
stories and see the beauty of the world despite the
dreams and hopes it rends into despair and drudgery.

Beyond my obligations’ success, all that I see before
me is a long march without meaning, through sweltering
summer heat. I see no weddings. I see no companions. No
moonlight. No stars. A sadness swells but I do not
drown within it; she keeps me comfortable, keeps me
sane. It will be a lonely march without destination,
through autumn and through winter and time.

And in my final hour she will be there. The sun will
still burn with vigor, the sky still blue and devoid of
any clouds, impassive. On my desk I will rest, my head
in her bosom. I will regale her with my tales, and with
a compassionate ear she will listen, comfort me as I
confide to her my body’s aches and pains.

There, in her loving arms and tears, I will drift into
an eternal rest.